I haven’t really felt like myself lately. I’ve been on edge, a little worried, and fairly high-strung. I’ve been a working machine with not a lot of social interaction.
It’s been wearing on me. (Yes, I’m an introvert, but quality time is my top love language… I’m a bundle of paradoxes…)
There is a light at the end of the tunnel, but I won’t get to bask in that light until the end of the month, It’s discouraging.
And don’t get me wrong, I am so grateful for the blessings of this season. But every season has its blend of good and hard.
This weekend, I was told the story of a dear friend’s hard struggle. Some of my family members have suffered some strange and unexpected losses. A new friend had to say goodbye to an important voice in his life. Two of my best friend’s lives have taken unexpected turns in a way neither of them anticipated.
There is a heaviness in joy.
And I’ve been hearing about all of this from a distance in the midst my foggy cycle of work and sleep.
Today, feeling these tensions and worries weighing on my heart, I took some time to decompress at my favorite book shop. I picked up a couple titles with one deep craving at the front of my mind.
I wanted to be undone.
I’ve wanted to read a book that leaves me breathless. I want that novel that when it’s finished, I have to just sit for a long while and ponder what mastery I just took in.
I’ve had this experience before.
The longing for this kind of story has become more intense as my workload has begun to take over my life and I’ve had to put other things aside to accomplish my tasks.
God has been so faithful in the midst of this new stage. He is holding my hand in the middle of lots of changes and new experiences. I am thankful. Please Please do not discount my great gratitude for where I am. I am also tired.
I have lost a spark. A little bit of myself. My soul had been a little drier and my heart a little less passionate and at the end of the day, I think on this and am wearied,
Because here is the thing:
I haven’t written over a month. I haven’t read any fiction in even longer,
And as such, I have not been myself for a few weeks now.
I’ve been neglecting a part of my heart in which was wired to thrive.
I’ve been wanting to be undone. I’ve been looking for a story to suck me in, hold up a mirror to my heart and the world. I’ve been looking to be convicted; I’ve been looking to be ruined. Ruined by characters and words; metaphors that cut me to the quick with their beauty and honesty.
What’s the deeper reality of that longing?
I’ve been looking for God to do the same.
My heart has been longing for time with my Father. Time I’ve neglected in the business of the newness of my life, I’ve felt that longing for a while now and it wasn’t until I began to seek out the longing that I began to realize how much I’ve been missing that extended time in the quiet. Almost more than my time with good story. I’ve been missing being part of a bigger story.
Maybe you don’t get this, but I hope you do.
So often when we’re busy, we neglect interests, relationships, the cleanliness of our homes, the pursuit of our loved ones. Mostly the first thing I tend to cut out when I’m busy is quality time with God,
As a result, I am more worried, less trusting, less open, less loving. I am not myself. I am an empty shell with a misappropriated sense of longing.
So I’m wrestling with God in this.
And I’m now armed with some books as well.
I hoping God and I can continue to move toward a balance as I move forward in this work-heavy season.
I’m trying to make the time for him to undo me on a daily basis. To fill my longings and prepare my heart for what’s ahead. For it’s in the undoing of my striving and worrying and selfishness that things start to be made whole.
It’s in the undoing of myself, that I begin to put my relationship with God and my relationships with others in their right place.
I pray that you find time for your own undoing, my friend. And in that, may you find what it is to be whole.