Worries of an Infidel

It’s not only wrong to worry. It’s infidelity.
–Oswald Chambers

The truth of this statement makes me one of the most unfaithful people I know. Worry is my most time-invested hobby. Wish it wasn’t, but it is.

It starts out with something as simple as “I’m going to be finished with school in four months.” It’s a simple fact. Not a fret, not really even a worry. And then I really start to show off. 

“Well, that means I’ll have to get another job.” My inner-fretter replies.
“Yes. Yes it will,” I confirm.

“But I am not qualified for another job. At least not a better one. At least with this one, I don’t work nights or weekends.”The worry-wort inside my head clucks her tongue in disappointment.

“Yeah. That is nice. I might have to give those up. That would suck.”

“And then I wouldn’t have time to be with my friend’s or even do my laundry! I’ll be friendless and my clothes will stink of sweat from two weeks ago.”

“I don’t want to be smelly and alone,” I say, the dread beginning to sink in.

“Well that’s probably how I’m going to end up anyway. I’m done with school. I missed the love boat. I’m going to die smelly and alone whether I like it or not. And now I’ll have a job I’ll hate on top of it all!” She becomes hysterical.

“And I’ll be smelling and alone, working a job I’ll hate while living in my parent’s basement!!!!” I say, rising to her level of panic.

“I will have to buy a cat because it will be the only creature that can stand to be with me!” she cries.

“But I hate cats!” I moan.

And then we cry, eat our feelings, and watch Titanic for the ten billionth time because it is the only movie we can identify with in the current state of our life.

And that’s how I waste my weekends.

Alright, not totally, but it is not out of the ordinary. (Though Titanic is not usually my movie of choice. I find myself hoping it won’t sink this time and I am continually disappointed.) So much of my time becomes wrapped up in what is going to happen and the thousands of ways it can go wrong. The present is not a place I can often exist in because I am consumed with worry over the future and sometimes the past. Very little of my self-talk is concerned with living in the present and trusting God with the future.

I ran across the Oswald Chambers’ quote yesterday in my quiet time and was struck by the truth of the statement. I worry all the time. Something God tells us not to do. But not only am I worrying when I’m not supposed to, I am not trusting him.

Worrying is my way of taking control over my circumstances. I give up His peace that I may try and make some peace of my own. Only I’m fooling myself because I cannot possibly control everything in my life, nor can I bring a sense of peace to my circumstance. It will never happen.

It is only when I am trusting my father with my life that peace comes. Even in the midst of hurt, turmoil, or loss, his peace is there because it is not bound by circumstance or logic. It just is.

So this week I am going to try and focus on faithfulness. Worrying is not a hobby I should feed. It’s prayer and trust I should be investing my time in.

Praying your journey is blessed by peace–not worry,