The Bachellorette: Love, Porn, and Reality

The thing about guilty pleasures is that they tend to be embarrassing. For example, I am not a big reality TV fan. I’m still waiting for someone to explain the charm of Here Comes Honey Boo boo. And why exactly would anyone sign up to be on Naked and Afraid? Why watch people be stupid when I can watch Sherlock or Suits and be a better human for it? (Yes, my snobbery extends past tea…)

But here’s the rub: I love watching stupid people… and sappy stuff is not so bad either.

As such, it is with great embarrassment and chagrin that I confess that I have watched the entire ninth season of The Bachelorette

In many ways, it is like watching a car crash. You don’t want to see it, but you just can’t look away. Whoever thought of the concept of the show was either high or brilliant. Let’s take one woman and have her date twenty-five men. At once. And they live together. There is seriously no way things could get more troubling. Every Monday, I have been given a chance to kick back and watch everything go wrong. Tons of drama, not a ton of common sense.

So as I have been watching Desiree fall in love with Brooks (oof!) and be used by Ben and… that really muscly guy who’s name escapes me, and at last fall for Chris this past season, I have begun to notice some things about the show and some concerns it’s spurned. If you’re a fan of the show, understand that I can respect your interest (Notice I am in no place to judge. At all. Ever.) and also that I am sorting through what the show stirs up in me.

So, The Bachelorette: here is a woman with 25 men doing everything they can to get her attention. (Including showing up in a heinous homemade suit, or a suit of armor.) They travel to exotic locations. The men fight over her and for her. They will make fools of themselves in strange challenges in order to earn a date with her. They stab each other in the back and kiss up to her all to get a rose and stay there another week. She must do nothing but sit back and let them tear each other down to be with her. And the entire time, she is in complete control.

The show follows her through this journey and America is privy to the entire thing. I have seen more of this woman’s love life than I have anyone else’s. That’s a little weird to me, now that I think of it.

This is not reality. This is not how deep, intimate, lasting relationships work. And yet there is something attractive to me about this system. See, what I truly want is security and love; to be told I am lovely. There is a seed of honest goodness to this desire, but it has been twisted into something fearful. I want to control. I want men to just love me for no other reason than that I’m there. I want them to fight for me, if not over me. It is my sin nature that twists this in to a game of manipulation and control.

If there is anything each of the successful marriages I admire have in common, it is that they are real. There is give and take. There is struggle and sacrifice. There is respect and love. Real love. Not just sex and fire. Very little glamour and very minor drama. Manipulation and control have no place in them. And porn and the expectations it creates destroys the beauty of true love.
Despite all of this, I found myself envying Des’s position a bit. What would it be like to be desired by that many handsome men? To have them fight over you? To where beautiful dresses and travel to so many fantastic places? What would I do in her shoes? There was a longing stirred up. A need to lose myself in this fantasy because my reality was less pleasing.
So I guess I should get around to explaining the title a bit… It’s alright, you can put your eyebrows down.

Many who know me, know the phrase “emotional porn.” In short, it is porn for women. In long, it gets a little more complicated to explain. In general, we as women are driven more strongly by emotional rather than physical intimacy. (Like the old adage ‘men give love to get sex. Women give sex to get love’.) Emotional porn comes in many forms, but almost always through narrative. Romance novels are the most common, but also chick flicks. And reality TV. It is ultimately a story we can lose ourselves in. And yes, you can do that with any form of entertainment, but this is a little different. It is when you use the character as a thin veil for yourself. You are experiencing the narrative in a deeper way than just enjoying the story. You are experiencing the emotions for yourself. Not just in empathizing with the character, but involving yourself in what is happening in this fantasy world. It is a more desirable and romantic place to be. It is a preferred reality where we become more desirable, flirtatious, and loved in this fantasy. And then we return to reality as, well, us. We feel undesirable, unlovely, and unwanted on our return to the real world. And we will not be satisfied until we return to that fantasy once again.

It’s hard to explain, but I’m sure you’ve experienced it. These sorts of narratives are trending heavily in our media. Twilight is what I consider a prime example. Fifty Shades is a very overtly sexual example. The exponential growth in the erotica genre demonstrates the popularity of this type of porn.

If you’re not understanding, let me explain it this way. In these examples, the heroine has the adore of men. Usually multiple men. She has done nothing to earn their desire besides be present. She may not even be attractive or feel like she is anything special, but these men are crazy about her for absolutely no reason besides the fact that she is herself. (And that’s all fine and dandy! You have to be yourself in a relationship.) But not once does she have to sacrifice or face consequences of any lasting variety. The man makes the sacrifices. He moves heaven and hell to give the woman all she desires including himself. She gives up nothing. He gives up everything. There is very little real life involved.
True relationships require give and take for both parties. The man is not simply there to serve the woman and make her feel desirable at all turns. That is not even something a man can do. Sure he can tell you you are beautiful and make you feel special, but that affirmation will only be temporary. The longing we feel for relationships and desire can only come from one source. And I promise you, it is not a more perfect boyfriend… It is certainly not Edward Cullen.
You see, our question of “am I desirable?” cannot be answered fully through relationships, or books, TV, or other media. If we take our question to these sources, we will be deeply disappointed, or be fed a twisted lie that distorts our self-image. (This is essentially what porn does.) That question can only be answered completely by the creator. He is the only one who knows the answer to that question. The only one who’s answer will truly satisfy.

Now, I wish Desiree and Chris the best of luck in what could be a marriage, or a very public divorce. Only time will tell. For myself, I wish for a real relationship. One not driven by manipulation and control, but out of love and trust. 

I probably should also wish for less emotional porn in the world. But they announced during the season finale that Juan Pablo is returning as the next bachelor. I think this may be a tougher addiction to fight than initially believed…


Please feel free to comment! Ask questions, state your thoughts concerns, or disagreements. I would love to get some dialogue flowing here!
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5 thoughts on “The Bachellorette: Love, Porn, and Reality

  1. Pete Ford says:

    Isn't it freaky how easily we believe that “reality TV” is actually reality?

    Even as a guy, thinking through this from my perspective, it is pretty easy to believe it is true that a girl is there and I win her heart. While it is true that I must fight for her and win her heart, it is too easy to believe that it is one-sided and it it my job to try to get attention and get her to like me. But yet I subconsciously believe that a girl is a doll, a pawn there for me to play around (I hope that makes sense). But recently through the lens of swing dance, I have realized that true love stories are dances with the guy and girl dancing together. That's why communication and teamwork are so crucial. Even though it is my job to lead and initiate, I'm not called to lead like a girl is a doll to drag around. Girls are people, too! It's back to the old “hunter vs. warrior” illustration: I am not here to selfishly fight to get you for myself, but I am here to battle for your heart, and sometimes that may mean that instead of fighting against another guy, I give in and honor you by letting you choose whomever you want to.

    It's been an interesting journey to realize that it's not my job to try to do things to get attention and hope that a girl “likes” me, but I am called to lead. If the former were true, it is almost like I'm trying my luck, hoping that this goddess would stoop down and be pleased with me.When I look forward to a “love story”, it is depressing to think of it as hoping someone will choose me. But, again, girls are people too.

    These two beliefs (doll and goddess) seem to be opposites, but they work together to drag me away from reality.

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  2. Brittney Schwarck says:

    I love this post! It made me wonder if I am giving in my relationship with my husband. Often times I expect my husband to make all the effort in our relationship, without me reciprocating. I think a lot of that comes from the movies I've watched, or the books I've read, that show the lead guy giving up everything to win over the girl. I often have to consciously think, “I need to make sacrifices for him, too,” and figure out ways to serve him. I think emotional porn forgets to portray the servant part of relationships, which is a vital part of every relationship, especially marriage ones.

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  3. Lex from Bohemia says:

    Interesting comparison. I like the doll v. goddess pictures. Two extremes that have to be held in balance. I feel it's a very similar scale as a woman. We often look at men either as toys we can manipulate or gods we must do whatever it takes to please. Neither is healthy or right. We must look at one another as people; image bearers to relate with in light of something bigger.
    Hearing responses to this post, it has been interesting to see how, no matter what stage in life and love, we all seem to struggle with striking this balance as well as the balance with give-and-take. It is something that must be intentional. Relationships are work and I'm encouraged to find I'm not the only one who feels this way.

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  4. Lex from Bohemia says:

    I think this is so interesting. I love hearing your perspective. Obviously, I am approaching this from a stance of singleness, but it doesn't really matter if you're married or not, does it? We all live out a narrative, and so often in that narrative, we want to be the heroine (or hero). As such, we seem to think we must sacrifice nothing and never change. Everyone else around us must sacrifice and change. But if we look at narrative structure, the whole point of the heroine or hero is that they go on a journey and change and grow through struggle and sacrifice. This is the beauty of marriage. It is a narrative in which we are to learn to struggle well, side by side.
    Porn, I think, is the exact opposite of a servitude. It is self-serving and demanding. Almost the opposite of love described in 1 Corinthians 13. It does not treasure true narrative, nor does it understand what love really is. And yet, so often, our culture packages lust as love and sells it as reality.
    Thanks for posting Brit!

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  5. Pete Ford says:

    And that is exactly what porn (emotional, visual, anything) does: it separates reality and shows the taking parts of relationships without the giving parts. You can get all the benefits without any sacrifice on your part: no investment. Yet this is not reality. I've caught a glimpse lately of adventure: and how adventure is risky and dangerous. (http://fortherecorder.blogspot.com/2013/08/a-heart-for-adventure.html) Relationships are adventurous. There is no guarantee that there will be a return on your investment. A lot of current media misses this. Yes, we have a longing for life to work out perfectly, but the reality is that life is broken. Yet there is a higher reality that God is restoring reality.

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