Category: Lex’s World

The Investment of Waiting

Posted on by Lex De Weese in Singleness

Last week I threw out the question of what it means to wait actively. I don’t think it’s really quite fair for me to ask you a question and not answer it myself.

So what is active waiting in my world?

After wrestling with the concept this week and some really great conversations over coffee, I came to this conclusion: Waiting is not the word. Waiting still seems to imply a sitting still, a holding of breath for something.

James 5 uses the metaphor of the farmer waiting for his crops. The Greek word used, ekdechomai, implies waiting with expectation. (That’s right, I whipped out the concordance on this one.) The farmer isn’t just waiting for whatever to happen. He is waiting for fruit. He does what it takes to ready the field and prepare for the harvest.

The farmer invests in his work.

So what does this mean for little ol’ me?

Lately, I’ve been wrestling with the purpose of my singleness and where the boundary lines have fallen for me. I’ve also recently been a part of some great conversations on the needs and future of ministry for single young adults. Great things that stir in me a passion and desire to see growth; a longing for God to awake hunger for Him in the hearts of people in this stage of life.

And what is one thing that singles are told time and time again? Especially single women?

Wait.

“Wait on God.” “Good things come to those who wait.” And then my personal favorite, “True love waits.”

But what does that mean? Are we supposed to sit around and do nothing while we wait for godly prince charming to stride in with his Toms-clad feet and Greek New Testament and whisk me away to a mission field in Asia?

Geeze, I certainly hope not.

I have observed a lot of women, who have been told for years to wait, grow frustrated, disillusioned, and bitter. What they have been told to sit and wait patiently for not come. I feel that tension myself,

So what do we do? Ya know, when there’s not much you can do.

We invest. We invest in where we are and what God is doing in us and in our communities. We seek out the input of older wiser counsel. We seek contentment while still pursuing growth. We serve.

So what does this mean for me personally? I want to start to build community with both women and men and provide context for thoughtful conversation. Essentially, I want to open my home for gatherings and encourage deeper discussion through thoughtful, others-focused questions.

I want to continue to study the word and become more firmly rooted in my identity through truth.

I want to explore the gifts I have been given further. I want to write like crazy and learn more about marketing.

I want growth. I want to see God bring it about in my life and want to watch it happen in the lives around me.

And, yes, this may be an idealistic rant of a hopeless romantic, but it is a rant I offer up to the father to do with whatever he sees fit.

We have been placed where we are in life for good reason, whether we see that or not.

So we can allow our discontentment to fester into bitterness. We can allow are hearts to harden as what we may want does not arrive in our timing. If that’s the case, we’re not really usable for God’s purpose.

Or we can enter into the adventure with God, wrestling with the tension of where we’ve been placed and where we wish we were. We can encounter him on a deeper level as we seek in invest in the stage he has intentionally placed us.

I would love to hear any more of your thoughts if you’ve been wrestling with the what it means to wait. Comment and join the discussion.

Reflections on Movember: Masculinity and Respect

Posted on by Lex De Weese in Lex's World

When I was in college, Movember was a HUGE deal. Most of us ladies met it with a groan because now regularly good-looking guys were going to be less so for a whole month…and then finals followed, so there was just more bad facial hair and we had to leave for Christmas break with terrible mental pictures of our guy friends and boy friends and their terrible facial hair.

I have a theory that no-shave-November has taken a back-seat to the wildly popular no-shave-ever that’s going around.
And really, facial hair on guys can be really great. I myself am quite partial to some nice scruff on the jaw.
Still, when a guy in my social circle attempts to grow facial hair for the first time, I find that his attempt is met with groans and eye rolls from most of the female population.
So this got me thinking… because I took a month off from blogging and had some time to think…about masculinity… and femininity… and the relationship between the two.
So, yes, I have scoffed at a bro’s attempted to grow a mustache before. (And yes, I am slightly creeped out by mustache’s a la carte.) But as I think about it, I’ve scoffed at guys for a lot of reasons…most of them not justified.
There has been a lot written about the extended adolescence of young adult men in our culture. We worry about what this means for the future of the family dynamic, but, as a woman, have I examined how I am reinforcing the behavior in the men in my life?
Some close friends of mine where having some car trouble a few weeks ago. As a young married couple, they aren’t in a financial state to just go out and buy a new vehicle… they also aren’t quite in a state to get it repaired. So what does this leave them with? DIY, of course!
Her husband doesn’t have a lot of experience with car maintenance, so he did some reading and watched a couple videos after he’d identified the problem. He told us he was pretty sure he could fix the problem.
So our response? “Yeah, right!” “Are you sure? We could just spend the extra and have someone who know’s what their doing take care of it.”
To his ears, our statements probably sounded more like, “You’re incapable,” and “Nice try, junior! Let’s have a real man handle the problem.”
Not exactly affirming the responsibility he wanted to take and the work and research he had done to feel prepared to tackle the project.
So often when my male peers try to take on a “manly” behavior such as a home improvement project, or growing facial hair, or logging (it’s manly, right?), me and my girlfriends give them a hard time. We roll our eyes, we scoff, we give them a doubtful glance. We belittle their risks and attempts to outwardly demonstrate their masculinity. We emasculate them without really thinking about what we’re doing.
This makes me sad. And sorry.
If we as women want the men in our lives to act like men, perhaps we should affirm their attempts to show that masculinity. That can be in the growing of facial hair or the attempt (a successful one at that!) to repair a car. It can be in any way he may be trying to risk and prove himself.
Is it that hard to give a “good job,” or “I believe in you,” or “sweet man-beard!” to our brothers, friends, co-workers, boyfriends, fathers, or bro-on-the-street? Genuine encouragement may be out of vogue in this day of sarcasm and “irony” but I think what men and women are really desiring from one another, romantically or no, is honest encouragement and heartfelt thoughts.
Perhaps if we took the time to show small bits of respect to the boys in our lives, we might see more men-in-the-making.

The Sexual Content Threshold

Posted on by Lex De Weese in Lex's World


I bought a book this summer and was quite excited about it. It was a time travel novel taking place between modern day New York and regency-era England. Like really, does it get better than that?

In the first third of the book, it didn’t seem to. The book was interesting, the characters awesome, the plot shaping up nicely. I was quite a fan and had trouble putting it down.

The time streams of the male and female leads collided (as they should. Got to keep things interesting right?) The chemistry was fun between the characters. I was interested to see how things would unfold between them. I mean, obviously they would end up together, but they were on opposite sides of the time-traveling underworld. It was a classic forbidden love set-up in a weird Jane Austen sci-fi mash up. The author had my wrapped attention!

And then things took a terrible turn as I discovered the truth about the book.

It was *gasp* a kissing book!

I’ll be the first to admit that I love a good love story. But a love story and a romance novel are two very different things. Let’s be clear on that, And a lot of the difference has to do with the intent in which it was made and consumed and the sexual content of the piece.

Suddenly in this wonderful story, the plot was being interrupted unexpectedly with a make-out session in the woods. In the rain. I am not kidding.

There was no lead up. The characters had just met a scene before. They were both from the conservative regency-era. There was nothing in their characters to lead to steamy scene complete with “desire” and “throbbing.” It felt like it was there because the writer thought the reader wanted it. Not the characters.

There were so many specifics, that I had to skip some portions–something I’m not prone to do.


And I understand that it is for this experience that some people turn to books. I was just disappointed that such a wonderful story was traded in to give in to misplaced desire.

A great plot was sacrificed to include what other books have embraced to sell more copies. I felt cheated.

Suddenly the characters were not the people I was getting to know and care about. They were eratic caricatures of sexual organs, Their cause was no longer so important. The balance of time and space and good and evil were secondary to these sleeping habits of characters. The truth and humanity was cheapened because sex is what is selling books.

I cannot say if this choice was purely the authors or if there was pressure from the publisher, but I was saddened, I was disapointed. And I at last found the threshold between a love story and emotional porn.

I am okay with a book having sexual content even though I don’t agree with premarital sex. It’s still out there, part of lives and I don’t expect people let alone characters to adhere to my personal convictions.

It is when they use the word ‘nipple’ that I begin to feel uncomfortable. It is adding a specific. It’s makes me visualize something I don’t really wants to. Forces me into the experience mentally and emotionally.

When things are hinted at, I can easily glance over them. It does not add to or take away from the plot. It is when specificity is at the forefront that things take a turn my mind does not want to take. And this is becoming more popular among books for adult women. There used to be a difference between adult fiction (fiction for adults) and adult fiction (porn). Now adays? Not so much.

So I raise this question: Why is it so hard to escape this? Why can we not separate a love story from a sex story? And why can’t a story have sex that isn’t laid bare in gory details? And why are we satisfied with every detail when all it does is tell a lie?

I guess this post is more rant than anything else. (Sorry about that.) I just wish more for the writers of this generation. I want us to be telling stories with truth. Not stories that hold back nothing while still feeding the reader a load of shit.

Readers deserve better. And I as a reader–not a writer–am asking for better,

I’ve Got a Crush

Posted on by Lex De Weese in Lex's World, Writing Thoughts

Confession time:

I’ve had my eyes on a man for a while.

He’s not exactly my type…if I had a type.  Everyone I know has an opinion about him and not all of them are flattering. And I can understand that. He was kind of a scoundrel.

But there’s something in his brashness that speaks to me; fills in what I’m not, you know? He was an adventurer and trouble. The capital T kind. But he was also an artist.

Some would disagree, but I think he understood something about dealing with words that I want to grasp.

So yeah, I have a thing for Ernest Hemingway.

Seriously. The man was a fox.

Don’t judge. Not all of us are Dickens girls. Plus Hemingway is way better on the eyes.

If you’re a nerdy writer, I’m sure you have your own literary crush. Don’t pretend you don’t. There is that person who’s style differs from yours, or you aspire to be them, or their stories just do it for you. Ernest Hemingway is mine.

I read Ernest’s quotes often. (And yes, I call him Ernest because I like to pretend we’re on a first name basis…) Here are some of the gems I’ve treasured:

As a writer, you should not judge, you should understand.

When people talk, listen completely. Most people never listen.

The first draft of anything is shit.

The best people possess a feeling for beauty, the courage to take risks, the discipline to tell the truth, the capacity for sacrifice. Ironically, their virtues make them vulnerable; they are often wounded, sometimes destroyed.

Live the full life of the mind, exhilarated by new ideas, intoxicated by the Romance of the unusual. 

When I’m not sure how to make words, I turn to Ernest.

Unlike me, Ernest didn’t dance around a hard scene. He just put it out there. I’m sure he, like any of us, struggled with getting what was put down right, but he didn’t disguise his troubled spots with flowery prose. He didn’t even know what flowery was.

No, he wrestled until what he wanted to say was simple, straightforward. There for the reader to figure out.

When I get stuck, I look to a sketch I keep at my desk made for me by a friend. (Inspired by my tendency to say “Hemingway was a fox,” she drew Ernest’s face on a fox’s body.) I let Fox Hemingway give me a stern look in the eyes.

My job is to tell my story honestly. And I’ve got his blessing for it to be shitty. But I need to put it down because if I don’t, then I’ve got nothing to work with.
And no, my style is not his style, Nor do I want it to be.
But Ernest knew what he was doing. And he’s taught me a bit on how to make the words.
It’s not dancing the night away in Havana with him, but it’s something and I’m a better artist for it.
Who’s your literary crush? Any writers in your world that have helped make you better from beyond the grave?
I’d love to hear about your influences!

The Need to be Undone

Posted on by Lex De Weese in Lex's World, Spirituality
 I haven’t really felt like myself lately. I’ve been on edge, a little worried, and fairly high-strung. I’ve been a working machine with not a lot of social interaction.
It’s been wearing on me. (Yes, I’m an introvert, but quality time is my top love language… I’m a bundle of paradoxes…)
There is a light at the end of the tunnel, but I won’t get to bask in that light until the end of the month, It’s discouraging.
And don’t get me wrong, I am so grateful for the blessings of this season. But every season has its blend of good and hard.
This weekend, I was told the story of a dear friend’s hard struggle. Some of my family members have suffered some strange and unexpected losses. A new friend had to say goodbye to an important voice in his life. Two of my best friend’s lives have taken unexpected turns in a way neither of them anticipated.
There is a heaviness in joy.
And I’ve been hearing about all of this from a distance in the midst my foggy cycle of work and sleep.
Today, feeling these tensions and worries weighing on my heart, I took some time to decompress at my favorite book shop. I picked up a couple titles with one deep craving at the front of my mind.
I wanted to be undone.
I’ve wanted to read a book that leaves me breathless. I want that novel that when it’s finished, I have to just sit for a long while and ponder what mastery I just took in.
I’ve had this experience before.
The longing for this kind of story has become more intense as my workload has begun to take over my life and I’ve had to put other things aside to accomplish my tasks.
God has been so faithful in the midst of this new stage. He is holding my hand in the middle of lots of changes and new experiences. I am thankful. Please Please do not discount my great gratitude for where I am. I am also tired.
I have lost a spark. A little bit of myself. My soul had been a little drier and my heart a little less passionate and at the end of the day, I think on this and am wearied,
Because here is the thing:
I haven’t written over a month. I haven’t read any fiction in even longer,
And as such, I have not been myself for a few weeks now.
I’ve been neglecting a part of my heart in which was wired to thrive.
I’ve been wanting to be undone. I’ve been looking for a story to suck me in, hold up a mirror to my heart and the world. I’ve been looking to be convicted; I’ve been looking to be ruined. Ruined by characters and words; metaphors that cut me to the quick with their beauty and honesty.
What’s the deeper reality of that longing?
I’ve been looking for God to do the same.
My heart has been longing for time with my Father. Time I’ve neglected in the business of the newness of my life, I’ve felt that longing for a while now and it wasn’t until I began to seek out the longing that I began to realize how much I’ve been missing that extended time in the quiet. Almost more than my time with good story. I’ve been missing being part of a bigger story.
Maybe you don’t get this, but I hope you do.
So often when we’re busy, we neglect interests, relationships, the cleanliness of our homes, the pursuit of our loved ones. Mostly the first thing I tend to cut out when I’m busy is quality time with God,
As a result, I am more worried, less trusting, less open, less loving. I am not myself. I am an empty shell with a misappropriated sense of longing. 
So I’m wrestling with God in this.
And I’m now armed with some books as well.
I hoping God and I can continue to move toward a balance as I move forward in this work-heavy season.
I’m trying to make the time for him to undo me on a daily basis. To fill my longings and prepare my heart for what’s ahead. For it’s in the undoing of my striving and worrying and selfishness that things start to be made whole.

It’s in the undoing of myself, that I begin to put my relationship with God and my relationships with others in their right place.

I pray that you find time for your own undoing, my friend. And in that, may you find what it is to be whole.

Fighting Brain-Toast: The Importance of a Sabbath

Posted on by Lex De Weese in Lex's World

So last week I made a lot of brain-toast.

What is brain-toast, you ask? Well, I’ll tell you.
It happens when you throw a whole lot of new information, and people, and places at an introverted mind and then that introverted mind tries to continue to focus on the freelance work that needs to be done after processing all the information, people, and places all day long. You keep this up for about five days, and then you pretty much have brain-toast.
On Saturday I slept in fairly late for my usual weekend morning. I then pulled myself together to begin to do some work, and ended up falling asleep for another three hours.
My extrovert points were spent. My mind was exhausted. My ability to relate intentionally with others was stretched to the max.
My brain was toast. Ergo, brain-toast.
A lot of this can be chalked up to the learning curve of the new job, but I am noticing that this is probably going to be the pattern for a few weeks until I find a new rhythm. Early mornings, good, challenging work all day, a break for dinner, a few more hours of work, and hopefully and early-ish bedtime. Hopefully mix in some social interaction, just to maintain some balance and hope for the best.
This seems a little daunting and exhausting right now. I am loving what I am getting to do. I look forward to learning more about my job in the days ahead. I also love the work I get to do with my freelance clients.
But I’m learning that there is a need for balance. There is a need for boundaries. And there is a need for rest.

Since college, I have always tried to take a sabbath.  All work can be done Monday through Saturday. Sunday is time to spend in corporate worship and resting with friends or family. Not working. Just being and being so with others.
It is something we’re commanded to do. It is the first thing God did after creating the world. It’s so important for us to take our need for rest seriously.
I’m not saying your should spend the majority of your Saturday sleeping. I did have to (eventually) wake up and get things done.
I am saying that it is vitally important to our relationship with God and our own well-being that we have a day of rest. A day to reflect. A day to relate.
A day to not strive for brain-toast, but instead just enjoy the blessings of our week and of the week ahead. 
There are always things that need to be done. We can always work harder, clean more, and do do do. But it is vital to take time out of that.
Setting aside Sunday to focus solely on worship and community had done me a world of good every week and I pray it will do the same for you.
When was the last time you took the time to intentionally rest?

Friday Favorites: September

Posted on by Lex De Weese in Friday Favorites, Lex's World

Why hello there!

Thank you all for your grace in my absence from the interwebs on Monday. I started a new job that has been going well so far. My brain is pretty tired after learning so many names and the ways of a new company, but I am so thankful for this opportunity.

So I promised Friday favorites for the month and Friday favorites you shall have! Here are my top five material loves over the past month. Check ’em out and I hope you enjoy!

1. Daily Monday Planner

The calendar on my ipod is great, but I always remember things better when I physically write them down. Solution? A great planner, of course. Vera Bradley had a good design I used for a while, but they changed their design and my needs in a planner I now different than they were when I was in college.


A friend pinned a link to a planner website and I fell instantly in love. Daily Monday produces a great product. It’s a fill-in planner so you can start the dates whenever you would like. I use the month calendar for my appointment schedule and then the weekly calendar for my to-do list that I keep running for all my freelance projects. I am loving it so far and would highly recommend this design! 

2. Postmodern Jukebox

 I love old music. Really, I love music in general. While procrastinating with the help of YouTube, I came across something that was way too cool!

Postmodern Jukebox takes the latest pop songs and re-imagines them in vintage style.  Some of my favorite covers are a 1920’s version of ‘Fancy,’ a 60’s cover of Ellie Goulding’s ‘Burn,’ and a vintage soul cover of ‘All of Me’. There’s a lot more and it’s a great selection of creative covers.

https://youtube.googleapis.com/v/wJY83K3o670&source=uds

3. Love and Respect Now

There’s just something really fun about talking about relationships. I love talking male-female dynamics, dating, singleness, boundaries, pretty much anything surrounding love and marriage and the ups and downs of the two.

A friends passed along a link to Love and Respect NOW, a ministry focusing on the concepts of the popular marriage book Love and Respect in the context of the lives of adults ages 18-35. They have a

blog as well as a regularly updated youtube channel I would highly recommend checking out. I’ve appreciated her persective on being single well, what it really means to ‘guard your heart,’ and what is this thing called ‘respect’ and why are guys so crazy about it? Truly great things coming from this ministry.

I now have a major woman crush on Joy Eggerichs. Seriously, this woman is great with blending truth, wisdom, and humor. She and some wonderful guest bloggers tackle the issues and questions coming from today’s singles, dating folks, and young married folks.

Also, I fantasize about going to coffee with Joy… that’s not creepy right?… don’t answer that.

4. Divergent review from Film Fisher

Growing up in a Christian home, a lot of the movies I was watched were first reviewed by my folks on PluggedIn from Focus on the Family. And after the site would denounce the movie, usually I still watched it. The site really just counted the ‘sins’ in the movie not taking in context or purpose of such things in the film.

Anyway, Film Fisher takes the same concept with a much more intelligent approach. Their review of Divergent was brilliant. Really, you need to read it. So great! He touches on some great concerns surrounding the post-apocalyptic kick everyone seems to be on. Also, the writers has some great man-beard action going on.



5. Chaider

It’s chai. With cider. Nuf. Said.

But seriously, this is really good and if you’re in the West Michigan area, you have to hoof it over to Clique Coffee Bar and try theirs out. So good!

The 3 Questions That Have Emerged from My Singleness

Posted on by Lex De Weese in Lex's World, Singleness

I am the Charlie Brown of blind dates.

Not that I’m looking to go on blind dates. But as a single girl with a majority of married friends, it seems that everyone has some ‘Nice Guy’ in their back pocket they expect me to want to try on for size.

But the hilarious thing is that every time someone attempts to set me up with someone, they magically end up in a relationship a few weeks later. For real. This has happened a good four or five times!


Probably my favorite was at the beginning of this summer.

My sister had led on a youth trip and had met another leader she thought I ‘just had to meet.’ After some carousing from her, I agreed that she could give the guy my number… mainly because he wasn’t going to call.

And no, this isn’t one of those I-gave-up-on-the-thought-and-then-just-as-I-lost-faith-the-guy-called-and-now-we’re-married posts. Because I was right and he didn’t call… because honestly, that would have been weird. (Hi, your sister sent me your number via Facebook because she thinks I need to go out with more girls…) But this experience caused me to feel a little pressure from home and from myself.

I love my parents and sister, don’t get me wrong. They want good things from me and want to see my life move forward in whatever way God sees fit. But with talk of this around the dinner table, I couldn’t help but feel that maybe I was missing out on something.

I mean, at twenty-two, shouldn’t I have gone out with more people by now? Shouldn’t I have more guy friends that I haven’t gained through marriage to my girl friends? And then of course the age old question of all slightly socially-awkward bookworm girls everywhere: Is there something wrong with me?

Overwhelmed by a sense of impending spinsterhood and the projected baby-fever of my family (alright, perhaps there’s some hyperbole here…) I asked a friend if she would go to coffee with me. She is a awesome single lady in her mid-twenties and I just wanted to pick her brain on how she handled this kind of pressure.

Talking with her, I was able to wrestle with some of the lies within my own heart, as well understand that those in my life wanting me to look for love only were doing so because they themselves loved me. We worked through my neurotic questions together and I came away with some wisdom and a little more gumption to enjoy where I’m at.

So at twenty-two, is it bad that I haven’t dated a ton? Not really. I mean, yeah marriage is a thought in my mind, but it’s not a priority, like say, breakfast tomorrow or something. I’ve got time and God knows what he’s doing with that time be it dating, marriage, or otherwise.

And I don’t have a lot of guy friends. Should I be concerned? Not totally, but it’s probably healthy to put yourself in some co-ed situations. So I’m trying to get plugged in with the singles group at my church. Turns out about half of the world’s population doesn’t like Pride & Prejudice (ie. men) so I should probably learn how to communicate with them about other things…

So is there something wrong with me? Don’t tell me you haven’t asked yourself this question. It’s easy to ask when the longing is heavy and the loneliness endless. My wonderful friend was able to affirm in me what I want to affirm in you:

You aren’t single because there is something wrong with you. You are single because that is the season in which you are currently placed. Seasons do not last forever. Sometimes it seems like it will, but that is just a lie. You never know what God may have around the corner. That’s not for us to know. Our job is to wait and trust and find joy in where we are, even when it seems like a burden.

You are a beautiful daughter of the king. And that king has planed beautiful things for you, my friend. Be that a relationship, marriage, grand adventures, refusing to become a cat lady… There are endless possibilities and hope. There is always hope.

Alright, so how does this tie into my Charlie-Brown-blind-dating intro? I’m getting there, I promise!

A couple weeks after our coffee date, my friend and I met up again for dinner. She asked me how I was doing with the home/self-imposed pressure.

God has really been working on my heart this summer in the areas of contentment and gratitude and I was able to tell her honestly that I am happy to be where I am. Yes, I would like a relationship someday, but for now I am pleased to be where God has me.

Just as I voiced this, the guy my sister had tried to set me up with walked past the window by where I sat. I watched as he met up with a girl very obviously for a first date. I couldn’t help but laugh and point it out to my friend. Of all the restaurants of all the nights and of all the people. It was just too funny.

And really I could laugh with no disappointment. God knows what he’s doing and I can trust that.

I am finding that I would much rather go on single than be in a relationship I have to grasp and manipulate to make happen. We’ll just see how God responds to that thought.

In the mean time, what are some awkward blind date experiences you’ve had? Any strange set-up hi-jinx in your world?

The Holding Pattern

Posted on by Lex De Weese in Lex's World

Last week, I wrote about contentment. This week, I want to talk about waiting.

All summer, it has seemed I have been in this season of waiting. There is a fabulous job opportunity that may or may not come to fruition and I am waiting. It seems like I will always be waiting.

If you’re like me, your brain just doesn’t shut off. I have played out so many scenarios in my mind. How will I react if I get it? How will I react if I do not? Will I cry? What will I do if it is full time? Will that effect my freelance work? What if I don’t get the job and will never make enough to get out of my parents basement? Does that mean I have to take up video games? What if they thought my outfit was awful in the interview? Did the color of my resume paper offend the interviewer? What if? How will I?Hmm? Hmm? Hmm?

The other day I received a call from a number I didn’t recognize and nearly had a heart attack. Could this be the call at last?

… It was just a wrong number.

I wondered if the guy on the other end had been calling ‘Teresa’ to tell her she got a job. Congrats Teresa! I hate you.

Okay, not really.

But it’s frustrating. It’s disappointing. It sometimes feels like I’m going crazy! And I don’t mean the phone call.

I am in a holding pattern in which I have no control. So where do I go with that?

God is so much more patient than I. And he actually is in control.

When the buzzing monologue of what-ifs overwhelm my thoughts, I have found taking time to pray has been essential in this season. I am not going to get an answer in that time with Him. I am not really looking for an answer. That will come when the hiring folks make their decision in their time.

When we want something so badly, it is easy to get swept away with worries and what-ifs and miss what God may be up to. That’s usually what I do with my waiting periods. I worry. Until I figure out what’s going on. Then I’m usually disappointed when things don’t go my way or unfulfilled if they do.

The waiting is just as valuable as the thing you are waiting for.

I don’t care if it is for a job, a spouse, enough savings for a new car, dinner, cats to go extinct: the waiting is where God does some of his best work. It is a playground to experience gratitude, examine motives, and encounter the character of the Father.

And, yeah, sometimes it sucks! This summer has crawled by for me. I have a hard time scheduling things over a week in advance because I’m not really sure what life will look like in that short amount of time. I feel my phone vibrating in my pocket like phantom limb, having to remind myself it’s in my purse. I want this so badly, but I am not getting it right now and I have to learn to be alright with that.

I’ll tell you this though: God has met me in this holding pattern. He is sitting beside me while I wait to land. The moments when he invites me to into silence, to ‘Be still and know that he is God’ are what keep me sane. He offers peace. I find that I just have to trust that his way is best. Waiting and all.

I hope that if you are finding yourself in a holding pattern as well, that you find God beside you. Take some time today to enjoy the silence with him. Please enjoy as you loosen your grasp on the thing you are waiting for and offer it to Him with open hands.

The waiting is just as valuable as the thing you are waiting for.

I promise.

What is Contentment?

Posted on by Lex De Weese in Lex's World

I’ve been living in a state of limbo for some time now.

In previous posts, I’ve talked through job loss and the struggle in waiting for that next something to come along. I have the prospect of an opportunity that I’m supposed to get an definitive answer on any day now. It has been a long waiting process that has given me a chance to wrestle through some things with God.

Like contentment.

At the start of this year, I told you guys that was what I wanted to seek this year; godliness and contentment. Shortly after that, I was laid off from my dream internship, turned down for a couple promotions, and left in this state of waiting and hoping.

So how is one supposed to be content when nothing seems to be right. When you’re not happy. When you’re not satisfied. For some reason, this is what I believed contentment to be. Happiness. Satisfaction. And if not those things, fooling yourself into believing you were those things.

What on earth is contentment if not satisfaction and happiness?

This was the question on my heart. If I was supposed to be content, why wasn’t I able to make myself comfortable with where God had placed me?

I ran across a quote from Sinclair Ferguson that helped me wade through my confusion.

Christian contentment…is the direct fruit of having no higher ambition than to belong to the Lord and to be totally at his disposal in the place He appoints, at the time He chooses, with the provision He is pleased to make.

That was it. Contentment was my calling. Contentment was what was supposed to come from trusting where God had me for the length he had me there. It wasn’t happiness. It wasn’t satisfaction. It was trust. Trust that this was the destination for now. Trusting that it was the best place for me in this season.

It is so hard when we are not in the place we thought we would be at this point in life. There is so much ambiguity in this post-grad, pre-whatever stage. I have a hunch that there is a whole lot of ambiguity in live in general.

And it’s not fun and it’s not easy, but it it good. It is good to realize you are not in control. It is good to realize that you must rely on something bigger than yourself. It is good to seek contentment when it seems like the farthest thing from your grasp.

So it’s been two months of waiting to see if this job opportunity will come to fruition. And yes, I want it to come to fruition. But I know I will be okay if it does not. God has a plan. He will place me where I need to be and not a moment before I need to be there.

And I am surprised to say that that is something I can be content with.

Is there an area of your life where you haven’t been seeking contentment? Have you been struggling with the meaning of that word?