Spirituality – Page 2 – Alexis De Weese

Christmas: The Heritage of Longing

Posted on December 22, 2014December 29, 2015 by Lex De Weese in Lex's World, Singleness, Spirituality

I love and hate Christmas.

I feel like most single women can echo the sentiment.

It’s wonderful to spend the time with family, to decorate the house, to enjoy the homecoming of friends you haven’t seen in a while. Candlelight services, caroling, advent. It’s a wonderful time of year.

And then there is also the awkward time spent with family, the stress of hosting get-togethers, crazy malls. The forgetting of the meaning of this season.

And I don’t mean the world forgetting to stop and celebrate Christ’s birth. We live in a fallen world where Christ’s sovereignty is denied on an hourly basis. Of course I don’t expect the general population to celebrate Christ’s birth.

I mean what we forget within the body of Christ.

See, part of what makes Christmas a hard time of year for me is the longing. I long to share romantic Christmas dates with someone special. I long to have a family of my own to make Christmas memories with. I at least just long to say yes when the “are you seeing someone?” brigade intrudes on holiday gatherings.

It’s easy to let the unmet longing shade the season of hope and joy, but I think to ignore the longing is to miss something important in this season.

Because Christmas is a celebration of longing.

The world was in desperate need of the messiah and the longing for his presence throughout the Old Testament is unmistakable. In Christ’s coming to earth, that longing was met and through his death, fulfilled.

In this season of advent, we now long for Christ’s return.

I was reminded by a friend earlier this month that God has given each of us specific longings and needs to draw us in to him. We try to fill those longings with relationships, or status, or possessions, but of course that doesn’t work.

Having a boyfriend, or husband and family would not ease this hunger in my soul this season. Not really.

Because there is still great longing in me for what will not be met on this side of heaven. And so often I misdiagnose that longing and loneliness I feel to be that of a relationship with a man rather than my need for unbroken relationship with God.

But that longing is why we celebrate this season. We look forward to having this longing met in the second coming of our king. And we give thanks for the first coming and the sacrifice that makes our longing able to be met.

We are descendants in a heritage of longing. We are beautiful beggars waiting for our hunger to be satisfied.

This season is an invitation to face our longings head on and seek the truth of what we really desire.

So this is my challenge as we head into this week. As you experience the longing, loneliness, or discontentment of your holiday season, look at the feeling in light of advent. In light of the anticipation and desire of what is before us.

Rest in the knowledge that your longing will one day be met.

Until then, may you find joy and peace this Christmas season.

The Investment of Waiting

Posted on December 15, 2014December 29, 2015 by Lex De Weese in Singleness

Last week I threw out the question of what it means to wait actively. I don’t think it’s really quite fair for me to ask you a question and not answer it myself.

So what is active waiting in my world?

After wrestling with the concept this week and some really great conversations over coffee, I came to this conclusion: Waiting is not the word. Waiting still seems to imply a sitting still, a holding of breath for something.

James 5 uses the metaphor of the farmer waiting for his crops. The Greek word used, ekdechomai, implies waiting with expectation. (That’s right, I whipped out the concordance on this one.) The farmer isn’t just waiting for whatever to happen. He is waiting for fruit. He does what it takes to ready the field and prepare for the harvest.

The farmer invests in his work.

So what does this mean for little ol’ me?

Lately, I’ve been wrestling with the purpose of my singleness and where the boundary lines have fallen for me. I’ve also recently been a part of some great conversations on the needs and future of ministry for single young adults. Great things that stir in me a passion and desire to see growth; a longing for God to awake hunger for Him in the hearts of people in this stage of life.

And what is one thing that singles are told time and time again? Especially single women?

Wait.

“Wait on God.” “Good things come to those who wait.” And then my personal favorite, “True love waits.”

But what does that mean? Are we supposed to sit around and do nothing while we wait for godly prince charming to stride in with his Toms-clad feet and Greek New Testament and whisk me away to a mission field in Asia?

Geeze, I certainly hope not.

I have observed a lot of women, who have been told for years to wait, grow frustrated, disillusioned, and bitter. What they have been told to sit and wait patiently for not come. I feel that tension myself,

So what do we do? Ya know, when there’s not much you can do.

We invest. We invest in where we are and what God is doing in us and in our communities. We seek out the input of older wiser counsel. We seek contentment while still pursuing growth. We serve.

So what does this mean for me personally? I want to start to build community with both women and men and provide context for thoughtful conversation. Essentially, I want to open my home for gatherings and encourage deeper discussion through thoughtful, others-focused questions.

I want to continue to study the word and become more firmly rooted in my identity through truth.

I want to explore the gifts I have been given further. I want to write like crazy and learn more about marketing.

I want growth. I want to see God bring it about in my life and want to watch it happen in the lives around me.

And, yes, this may be an idealistic rant of a hopeless romantic, but it is a rant I offer up to the father to do with whatever he sees fit.

We have been placed where we are in life for good reason, whether we see that or not.

So we can allow our discontentment to fester into bitterness. We can allow are hearts to harden as what we may want does not arrive in our timing. If that’s the case, we’re not really usable for God’s purpose.

Or we can enter into the adventure with God, wrestling with the tension of where we’ve been placed and where we wish we were. We can encounter him on a deeper level as we seek in invest in the stage he has intentionally placed us.

I would love to hear any more of your thoughts if you’ve been wrestling with the what it means to wait. Comment and join the discussion.

The Need to be Undone

Posted on September 29, 2014December 29, 2015 by Lex De Weese in Lex's World, Spirituality

I haven’t really felt like myself lately. I’ve been on edge, a little worried, and fairly high-strung. I’ve been a working machine with not a lot of social interaction.

It’s been wearing on me. (Yes, I’m an introvert, but quality time is my top love language… I’m a bundle of paradoxes…)

There is a light at the end of the tunnel, but I won’t get to bask in that light until the end of the month, It’s discouraging.

And don’t get me wrong, I am so grateful for the blessings of this season. But every season has its blend of good and hard.

This weekend, I was told the story of a dear friend’s hard struggle. Some of my family members have suffered some strange and unexpected losses. A new friend had to say goodbye to an important voice in his life. Two of my best friend’s lives have taken unexpected turns in a way neither of them anticipated.

There is a heaviness in joy.

And I’ve been hearing about all of this from a distance in the midst my foggy cycle of work and sleep.

Today, feeling these tensions and worries weighing on my heart, I took some time to decompress at my favorite book shop. I picked up a couple titles with one deep craving at the front of my mind.

I wanted to be undone.

I’ve wanted to read a book that leaves me breathless. I want that novel that when it’s finished, I have to just sit for a long while and ponder what mastery I just took in.

I’ve had this experience before.

The longing for this kind of story has become more intense as my workload has begun to take over my life and I’ve had to put other things aside to accomplish my tasks.

God has been so faithful in the midst of this new stage. He is holding my hand in the middle of lots of changes and new experiences. I am thankful. Please Please do not discount my great gratitude for where I am. I am also tired.

I have lost a spark. A little bit of myself. My soul had been a little drier and my heart a little less passionate and at the end of the day, I think on this and am wearied,

Because here is the thing:

I haven’t written over a month. I haven’t read any fiction in even longer,

And as such, I have not been myself for a few weeks now.

I’ve been neglecting a part of my heart in which was wired to thrive.

I’ve been wanting to be undone. I’ve been looking for a story to suck me in, hold up a mirror to my heart and the world. I’ve been looking to be convicted; I’ve been looking to be ruined. Ruined by characters and words; metaphors that cut me to the quick with their beauty and honesty.

What’s the deeper reality of that longing?

I’ve been looking for God to do the same.

My heart has been longing for time with my Father. Time I’ve neglected in the business of the newness of my life, I’ve felt that longing for a while now and it wasn’t until I began to seek out the longing that I began to realize how much I’ve been missing that extended time in the quiet. Almost more than my time with good story. I’ve been missing being part of a bigger story.

Maybe you don’t get this, but I hope you do.

So often when we’re busy, we neglect interests, relationships, the cleanliness of our homes, the pursuit of our loved ones. Mostly the first thing I tend to cut out when I’m busy is quality time with God,

As a result, I am more worried, less trusting, less open, less loving. I am not myself. I am an empty shell with a misappropriated sense of longing.

So I’m wrestling with God in this.

And I’m now armed with some books as well.

I hoping God and I can continue to move toward a balance as I move forward in this work-heavy season.

I’m trying to make the time for him to undo me on a daily basis. To fill my longings and prepare my heart for what’s ahead. For it’s in the undoing of my striving and worrying and selfishness that things start to be made whole.

It’s in the undoing of myself, that I begin to put my relationship with God and my relationships with others in their right place.

I pray that you find time for your own undoing, my friend. And in that, may you find what it is to be whole.

The 3 Questions That Have Emerged from My Singleness

Posted on September 8, 2014February 15, 2016 by Lex De Weese in Lex's World, Singleness

I am the Charlie Brown of blind dates.

Not that I’m looking to go on blind dates. But as a single girl with a majority of married friends, it seems that everyone has some ‘Nice Guy’ in their back pocket they expect me to want to try on for size.

But the hilarious thing is that every time someone attempts to set me up with someone, they magically end up in a relationship a few weeks later. For real. This has happened a good four or five times!

Probably my favorite was at the beginning of this summer.

My sister had led on a youth trip and had met another leader she thought I ‘just had to meet.’ After some carousing from her, I agreed that she could give the guy my number… mainly because he wasn’t going to call.

And no, this isn’t one of those I-gave-up-on-the-thought-and-then-just-as-I-lost-faith-the-guy-called-and-now-we’re-married posts. Because I was right and he didn’t call… because honestly, that would have been weird. (Hi, your sister sent me your number via Facebook because she thinks I need to go out with more girls…) But this experience caused me to feel a little pressure from home and from myself.

I love my parents and sister, don’t get me wrong. They want good things from me and want to see my life move forward in whatever way God sees fit. But with talk of this around the dinner table, I couldn’t help but feel that maybe I was missing out on something.

I mean, at twenty-two, shouldn’t I have gone out with more people by now? Shouldn’t I have more guy friends that I haven’t gained through marriage to my girl friends? And then of course the age old question of all slightly socially-awkward bookworm girls everywhere: Is there something wrong with me?

Overwhelmed by a sense of impending spinsterhood and the projected baby-fever of my family (alright, perhaps there’s some hyperbole here…) I asked a friend if she would go to coffee with me. She is a awesome single lady in her mid-twenties and I just wanted to pick her brain on how she handled this kind of pressure.

Talking with her, I was able to wrestle with some of the lies within my own heart, as well understand that those in my life wanting me to look for love only were doing so because they themselves loved me. We worked through my neurotic questions together and I came away with some wisdom and a little more gumption to enjoy where I’m at.

So at twenty-two, is it bad that I haven’t dated a ton? Not really. I mean, yeah marriage is a thought in my mind, but it’s not a priority, like say, breakfast tomorrow or something. I’ve got time and God knows what he’s doing with that time be it dating, marriage, or otherwise.

And I don’t have a lot of guy friends. Should I be concerned? Not totally, but it’s probably healthy to put yourself in some co-ed situations. So I’m trying to get plugged in with the singles group at my church. Turns out about half of the world’s population doesn’t like Pride & Prejudice (ie. men) so I should probably learn how to communicate with them about other things…

So is there something wrong with me? Don’t tell me you haven’t asked yourself this question. It’s easy to ask when the longing is heavy and the loneliness endless. My wonderful friend was able to affirm in me what I want to affirm in you:

You aren’t single because there is something wrong with you. You are single because that is the season in which you are currently placed. Seasons do not last forever. Sometimes it seems like it will, but that is just a lie. You never know what God may have around the corner. That’s not for us to know. Our job is to wait and trust and find joy in where we are, even when it seems like a burden.

You are a beautiful daughter of the king. And that king has planed beautiful things for you, my friend. Be that a relationship, marriage, grand adventures, refusing to become a cat lady… There are endless possibilities and hope. There is always hope.

Alright, so how does this tie into my Charlie-Brown-blind-dating intro? I’m getting there, I promise!

A couple weeks after our coffee date, my friend and I met up again for dinner. She asked me how I was doing with the home/self-imposed pressure.

God has really been working on my heart this summer in the areas of contentment and gratitude and I was able to tell her honestly that I am happy to be where I am. Yes, I would like a relationship someday, but for now I am pleased to be where God has me.

Just as I voiced this, the guy my sister had tried to set me up with walked past the window by where I sat. I watched as he met up with a girl very obviously for a first date. I couldn’t help but laugh and point it out to my friend. Of all the restaurants of all the nights and of all the people. It was just too funny.

And really I could laugh with no disappointment. God knows what he’s doing and I can trust that.

I am finding that I would much rather go on single than be in a relationship I have to grasp and manipulate to make happen. We’ll just see how God responds to that thought.

In the mean time, what are some awkward blind date experiences you’ve had? Any strange set-up hi-jinx in your world?

Everyone Needs a Paul, Everyone Needs a Timothy Part II

Posted on July 28, 2014December 29, 2015 by Lex De Weese in Lex's World, Spirituality

Last week, we started a discussion on mentoring. It’s important to be poured into by those further along life’s path. But what do you do once you’ve been filled?

I have found that as I have been so generously poured into, that I must pour into others.

Everyone needs a Paul. Everyone needs a Timothy.

We need to support and mentor and hold one-another accountable; encouraging one another toward the father, not shaming each other into isolation. This is community. We also need to serve those behind us on the path. We need to mentor as much as we need to be mentored.

So now the lies tend to sink in. I’m too young. I have nothing of value to say. I’ve messed up too many times. No one should look to me as an example.

Please recognize these as lies, my friend. God has redeemed and forgiven you. He has been working in your life, growing and stretching you, revealing himself through your life.

My small group leader in high school recently gave a sermon about mentoring those further down the path from us. He says, “So often we feel that our failures disqualify us from any influence. You’re on your second marriage, you’ve been bankrupt, you can’t get a certain part of your life under-wraps, you’re still struggling with porn once a month. I say this: if you’re struggling once a month, what has God done in your life to whittle it down that far? Find somebody who’s struggling on a daily basis and go public; expose your own journey. It’s in the killing of the shame and secrecy and alienation that comes from sin that we can actually step into the discipleship process at a multi-generational level.”

He continues, saying that our failures have taught us some of the greatest lessons in life. And why not share that wisdom we have been gifted with through the pain and heartache and shame? Why not allow that to be used to build the kingdom?

The reason the women who have discipled me have had such an impact in my life is not because they are bible-thumping, church-goddess women. Not at all! It is because they are real. They have invited God into the struggle and are beginning to learn to do that well. It is because they are soft and willing to share what has been revealed to them.

This is the kind of woman I want to be. Soft, strengthened by the Father. This is the kind of woman he is shaping me into. And as such, I am not to keep silent about what he has been teaching me. I am to go out and speak. I am to pour into the lives of those behind me on the path out of what God as done in me.

The girls I mentor add a vibrance to my life. Their excitement and potential are encouraging. Watching them embark on their own relationships with Jesus has been a privilege.

Are you influencing someone’s life? Think about a young girl in your life who may want the input of a young adult woman in her life.

It’s a beautiful blessing to be poured into and turn to pour out into someone else.

So who is your Paul? Who is your Timothy?

Everyone Needs a Paul, Everyone Needs a Timothy Part I

Posted on July 21, 2014February 15, 2016 by Lex De Weese in Lex's World, Spirituality

A friend once shared a phrase in a small group that I thought was a great piece of wisdom:

Everyone needs a Peter. Everyone needs a Timothy.

I want to spend a couple weeks taking about this concept. Mentoring and being mentored has been such a huge part of my life and I’d love to talk about that with you.

Essentially, who are you pouring into? Who is pouring into you?

I have shared previously that I lost my mentor to cancer in my Sophomore year of college. She was a wonderful woman who really influenced my love for serving high school students and I am forever grateful for her impact in my life.

After she passed, all I really wanted was to talk about it with someone. Someone older, outside of my home. My family had heard me talk about her a lot. I wanted someone else’s perspective. I wanted to talk to her.

That was probably the hardest part. In this dark season, all I really wanted was for someone to pour into me, to share their wisdom and bring some comfort. I wanted a mentor. And I had had one. And she was gone.

It was a hard and heavy cycle.

It wasn’t until a very dear friend and professor met with me to talk about what was going on, how I was handling things. She gave me permission to grieve and affirmed where I was at. She asked me some questions that I had to chew on for a few months before I could actually answer them. It was good. It was beautiful. It was redemptive.

This woman took time out of her life to pour into me. It was a gift I am forever grateful for.

We’re all in need of community, but not always just a community of peers. We are called to be part of the body of Christ which is made up of multiple generations who are given the opportunity to bless one another with their wisdom and experiences.

Recently, a few women have spoken into my life. They are just in the next camp in life and have so willingly shared with me their experiences with me. We have gotten to lift one another up in prayer and to pace along side each other on the journey. It has helped so much in this season as God is stretching me for whatever he has next.

Do you have someone in your life to speak wisdom and encouragement to you? Someone who will share their journey with you?

If you don’t, I highly suggest looking at the older women in your life. Is there someone at your church who may want to share their story with you? Do you have a small group program for young adults? If you don’t have an individual in your life right now who might fill this role, please pray for God to bring her along.

We are in community together to build one another up. We are to be taught and discipled. It’s humbling, energizing, and necessary. Having an older, wiser voice in your life is a wonderful gift I pray you have or will soon receive.

Next week, we’ll talk about being a mentor, even if you don’t feel you don’t have anything to share.

Joy and the Shepherd

Posted on July 14, 2014December 29, 2015 by Lex De Weese in Lex's World, Spirituality

I accompanied a friend and her wonderful family to a wedding a couple weeks ago and had such a splendid time. Everything was so beautiful and the reception was such a blast. I love dancing like a weirdo with great friends. I had not seen many of her family members in a while, so there was plenty of catching up over dinner.

While describing to her mother where I am at in life, I found myself feeling like a cheese-ball. All I could talk about was even though this season was pretty ambiguous, things were actually really great and God had been so faithful. I kept repeating how great God was in this midst of the unknown. If I was hearing me talk, I would probably have rolled my eyes. (Inwardly, of course.)

Except that I was being totally honest.

Which was a shock to me. I was happy. No, not happy–Joyful. God has been so wonderful in the midst of all my I -don’t-know-where-my-life-is-headed-this-is-so-confusing meltdowns. He has allowed me to be angry with him and to pray through that to a place of peace and trust.

I’m not going to lie, this has been one of the most difficult seasons. It has been–and continues to be–an inward struggle. What will I choose today? Contentment or worry? Trust or control? I don’t often choose correctly. But it’s a moment by moment choice. I am always welcomed to choose to turn.

The pastor at my church spoke this week, using his grandchildren as an illustration. Last year he challenged them all to memorize Psalm 23 and to reflect on the question ‘Who are you tempted to follow as your false shepherd?’ And this wasn’t just a question they had to answer once, but think on for the entire year.

I’ve been thinking on it for the past week as I meditate on the Psalm. Who am I tempted to follow as my false shepherd?

As God and I have been wrestling for the past couple weeks, it has become very apparent that I demand control. I want things my way and in my timing. If I cannot manipulate to make that happen, I fret about all the possible outcomes and dream up ways to compensate. I become consumed by what I cannot control or have or make yield to me.

I hold a death-grip over what is not mine.

But the Lord is my shepherd! I am just a sheep. It is the shepherd’s job to provide for his sheep. To lead them beside quiet waters, to make them rest in green pastures.

He is making me rest in green pastures in this stage of limbo. To slow down and rest in what he provides and nothing more. And it’s hard. I want to get up and go and make my way. But I am just a little sheep.

I must hand over my want for control and rest up. To take in God’s grace and the wisdom from his people and his word and prepare for the unknown next. So I have begun to open up my fists and let go of what I have wrongly grasped.

And what have I found in the handing over?

Joy.

I wish and pray for the same thing for you, my friend.

So what about you? Who are you tempted to follow as your false shepherd? I would love to hear in the comments or by email! Tell me your story!

Being Single is Not the Same as Being Alone

Posted on June 23, 2014December 29, 2015 by Lex De Weese in Singleness

So I just made it through wedding season. It wasn’t as intense as the last two–the amount of parties stayed in the single digits.

There is something about this time of year that always stir up longing in me. I think it’s the filling out of the RSVP cards. That blank plus-one line taunts me. So often, I delay sending in the RSVP because, who knows, perhaps I’ll run into some Gene Kelly look alike who will fall madly in love with me and want to accompany me to a wedding! I think he’ll want the beef, but I’ll just leave the selection blank and let him choose for himself. And we’ll dance and have a wonderful night and leave dreaming about the wedding we’ll someday have together…

And then some point a couple days before the RSVP card is due, I return to reality and remember that that is not happening, check chicken, leave the plus-one line blank and call it good.

I could let that be discouraging. Heck, sometimes it is. Alright, most of the time it is.

Most of my friends are married, more becoming so each summer. It’s exciting, but it always comes with longing for my own turn one day.

And then that nasty little thought I hate the most seeps in to ruin my day:

What if I die alone?

It’s a lie. I know it’s a lie. Even if I die unwed, I will not die alone.

So far, I have lived a life filled with love. Not only from my heavenly father, but from my wonderful parents and awesome sister. From so many beautiful, talented, and gracious friends. From mentors, pastors, teachers, co-workers. I’ve been so gosh-darn blessed and so often I ignore it.

No, I have not experienced very much in way of romantic love. Yes, that can be sad to me.

But there is still great love in my life.

Being single is not the same as being alone.

I do not live in solitude. I live in community with many many wonderful people. I mean, really, filling out that RSVP card without a date to put on it does not mean I am not loved. Quite the opposite, in fact. I have a friend who fell in love and I gained a new friend in her husband. So now two of my friends are getting married and they loved being in relationship with me enough to invite me to celebrate with them. And at that party, I will enjoy the company of our mutual friends. We’ll laugh and dance and talk about the future lives of our newly-married friends.

If the longing for your significant other has become heavy in this season of summer romance and weddings, do not be discouraged. Recognize that God has you where you need to be on your journey. The loneliness may seem suffocating now, but realize that you are not alone here. For one, I’m here. I can also guarantee you have many friends and loved ones, married or not, who care about you and want to encourage you where you are.

You’re loved, my friend!

Revel in that.

If you would like more reading on singleness, I highly recommend this post from Shauna Niequist. I was greatly encouraged. I ran across it a couple days before I actually sat down to read this post and was excited that the two were going to be live around the same time. I hope her words are refreshing and encouraging!

Living at the end of Psalm 13

Posted on May 26, 2014May 18, 2016 by Lex De Weese in Lex's World, Spirituality

I got an email from a dear friend in January. I had been voicing to her that though my internship had ended early that I was really okay and that God had a plan and that everything was going to work out the way it was supposed to. She had told me that she was glad I knew this, but also warned me to feel what I needed to feel–to handle the disappointment for what it was–disappointment.

It has taken me a couple months to get there.

A couple weeks ago, there was a particularly bad day at work. I work at a university making copies and running errands–basically gophering all over campus. My job can be rather mindless but is quite helpful with paying bills. A co-worker was recently promoted to another department and a lot of her responsibility has fallen to me. That paired with many other stressors and the ‘tude of a student (“Yes, you do have to pay for color copies. I’m sorry if the twenty cents this will cost will do you in.”) and everything that had been brewing in my heart came to a head. There were four distinct times I daydreamed of simply walking out the door.

It was, well, a Bad. Day.

I got into the car and began to drive home. And I couldn’t hold it in any longer. I began yelling at God, crying through it.

“Why am I here? What is the point of this season if nothing is happening? Why give me that internship just to take it away? What do you expect me to get from this? Why the hell aren’t you doing anything?”

I’ll be honest, that’s the clean version.

I was mad. I was heartbroken. I was disappointed.

And then, when I was all cried out, I felt Him.

You done?

I only nodded–if someone had seen me, they would have thought me a raving lunatic.

Alright. Now we begin again.

And that was it. I was ready to start new. Repent and restart.

I read Psalm 13 and realized I had been so intent on skipping to the end. That wasn’t was David did. He didn’t start out with ‘God is great; God is good; Now we thank him for our food.’ That’s not how the Psalms work… I mean sometimes…not about food, but you know what I mean.

He begins:

How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and day after day have sorrow in my heart?

David is not stuffing the emotion or putting on a happy face. He’s not avoiding confrontation with God because he knows God is right. Even though that is completely true, he still approaches the Father with his genuine feelings.

How long will this keep going on? How long until I can have a challenge at work again? How long will I have to keep waiting for an interview? Have you forgotten I’m down here?

He wrestles through his hurt and confusion.

How long will my enemy triumph over me?Look on me and answer, Lord my God.Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

I love his boldness. “Look on me and answer.” There is tension there. There is a desire to be with God, a desire to know what He is doing. I love that we can come to God like this and he is gracious enough to allow it. He is gracious enough to put up with my screaming and cursing in my minivan like a crazy woman. And he is gracious enough to pick up my heart afterward.

David does not get an answer. He arrives to a good place, but he does not necessarily get a divine reply.

But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation.

I will sing the Lord’s praise, for he has been good to me.

“I trust your love,” “He has been good to me.” That’s what I came to at the end of my one-sided screaming match with God. I trust you; you’ve been good to me. This is hard, but you know best.

I don’t think I would really have gotten there if I had continued to live like I was at the end of the Psalm. You can’t fake-it-till-you-make-it with God. He knows what is in the heart and he wants to wade through that with you.

I am so thankful for his grace and his desire to be in relationship with me. So we move forward. Repent and restart.

The Obstacles to My Enjoyment

Posted on February 17, 2014December 29, 2015 by Lex De Weese in Lex's World, Spirituality

The weekend after I was laid off from the internship, I led on a youth retreat. Not exactly how I wanted to spend that weekend. I would have preferred to spend those couple days wrapped in self-pity and a blanket in bed with kleenex and what was left of my chocolate supply.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my girls! But I felt like I had just come off of one of the more hellish weeks of my life. Not only had I been laid off, but I was denied a promotion at my second job.

And I felt lost.

The speaker for the weekend presented us with a quote from Larry Crabb that put it all in perspective for me:

We cannot count on God to arrange what happens in our lives in ways that will makes us feel good. We can, however, count on God to patiently remove all the obstacles to our enjoyment of Him. He is committed to our joy, and we can depend on Him to give us enough of a taste of that joy and enough hope that the best is still ahead to keep us going in spite of how much pain continues to plague our hearts.

Let that sink in. Read it again.

God does not want me to feel good. He is not out to make my life happy. He desires so much more for us!

God has taken captive the events of our lives, even those that were meant to be broken and twisted, and is bending them to his glory! He is a passionate father, seeking to remove every obstacle in order to be in right relationship with us.

His plan cannot be foiled! His love can only be ignored for so long before we are aching for it again. He is committed to our joy. He desires us to take joy in the plan he has laid out for us. They way is going to be hard. It is not always going to be the most comfortable or even bearable at points. But it is the end goal that gives us hope.

This does not mean He expects us to be happy all the time. To be honest, I am not happy right now. I still feel lost and a little sad. But there is joy in this season. There is a quiet moment each day when I am asked to come and be still with my father. A moment to refresh myself in the joy He has given me–a moment to realize that life is not about my comfort, but my enjoyment of the father.

God is not an ego maniac, forcing us to mindlessly worship him with happy faces even when life sucks. He is a father who yearns to be in relationship with us where we are–happy, sad, downright pissed. His desire is to be enjoyed by his children through their trust in His way, even when that way gets hard and uncomfortable. His desire is to be relied on in those moments. To be given a chance to comfort and guide his children through the dark and show them the light that is ahead for them.

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us. –Romans 5:1-5

Friend, I encourage you to sit down with the father today. Remove the obstacles that are keeping you from enjoying him. Find peace and a taste of joy in that quiet moment with Him.