Alexis De Weese

Under Deadline

Posted on December 5, 2016 by Lex De Weese in Writing Thoughts

After a crazier summer and even crazier fall, I decided it was finally time.

Once the last of the 2016 Breathe Conference was buttoned up and packed away, I set my sights on a quieter form of hustling. It was time to finish the novel.

In case you didn’t know, I have been working for seven years on the same novel. I love this story and it is that love that has sustained that seven years, but it’s time. I’m ready to wrap it up, to bring these characters the ending that they’ve been meant to have.

Seven years. It is time for a year of jubilee.

So I set a goal for myself: complete the first draft by December 24. That was the date I was struck with the idea seven years ago and that is the date I want to bring this ship back into harbor. (That’s funny because it’s a pirate novel. (Yes, I am writing a pirate novel.))

To help hold me to my goal, I decided I needed some skin in the game.

If I don’t meet my Christmas Eve goal, I owe two of my close writing friends $25 bucks a pop. During the Christmas season. It’s not going to leave me destitute, but that will hurt a little.

I’ve also been telling people about my goal if they ask about my writing. The more people that know, the more people I have to answer to if I don’t make it. Or the more people I have to celebrate with when I do.

This is a take-no-prisoners time in my writing. And it’s not easy. Some of the stuff I’m cranking out isn’t great. But I’m learning to push through, taking notes on what to change in the second draft, resisting editing in the current stage. The work may not be strong now, but at least it’s there.

This has been my mindset. I’m starting to see it pay off, but I’m still concerned I may not reach my goal.

At this stage in the game, I am so grateful for a community to hold me accountable and boundaries to help guide my output.

What are you putting in place to help you reach your writing goals?

Pray A to Z

Posted on December 1, 2016November 29, 2016 by Lex De Weese in Book Review, Reading

Being downright honest here, I’ve felt a lot of tension with the church as of late.

In light of some words and actions of the evangelical body during and after the election, I am really uneasy taking on that label. (Though this great statement from Fuller Seminary has provided some encouragement) I have felt shamed and discouraged, while simultaneously left angry and speechless.

And I have no influence.

As I watch my church become more of a family ministry center, I find that I’m not sure where I, as a single young woman, fit in. I can easily fall for the lie that I have nothing to offer and no place to serve because, somehow, having a husband and children somehow equips you to be a better disciple. I can feel isolated and alone.

I can feel like I have no influence.

I long for things to be made right. I long to have a place at the table, a voice in the conversation. I long for young adult women to know that they are not alone and are valued exactly where God has placed them right now.

I am a knot of wants and desires, but so much of what I long for is outside of my circle of control.

But there’s the thing:

I do have influence. I have the ear of the king.

I have often struggled with prayer feeling passive, but that is a lie! Prayer is the most powerful thing we can do in dark times, when the brokenness closes in, when we are discouraged and our community around us is disheartened and disillusioned.

Amelia Rhodes book Pray A to Z fell into my hands at the right time. When I was feeling most powerless, this book was an invitation into the throne room.

I am only one woman. I cannot do much. But I can get down on my knees.

Each letter of the alphabet is represented through three prayers of petition and two of praise. Rhodes has covered topics so thoughtfully. So often I would turn to a new section and think that topic didn’t apply to my community, but as I read her description and prayer, God would bring a situation or a need to mind.

As I search for a place to serve my community, I am finding that it is in the quiet moments. It is in those moments of prayer that God pulls me out of myself and reminds me of the needs of those around me.

No, I may not have much influence in a physical sense, but God has still asked me to come to him.

Pray A to Z has been a wonderful tool in my prayer life. You can read more about the book and the original blog series here.

You can purchase your own copy here! This is a great Christmas gift for anyone on your list.

The Already and Not Yet

Posted on November 28, 2016November 27, 2016 by Lex De Weese in Contentment, Lex's World

I have a confession to make and I’m not proud about it.

I am a sucker for Hallmark Christmas movies.

Yes, I know exactly how they are going to pan out about five minutes in. Yes, I understand that there are gaping plot holes in nearly everyone of them. Yes, I get that the writing is terrible—I’m all too aware. But still, it’s a guilty pleasure for my sister and I.

We will watch tons of them each year, looking for both the most ridiculous one, but also, the sweetest one.

But this past weekend, I latched on to the formula—and yeah, I’ve always known there was a formula. There was something oddly familiar about this formula though.

In each one, a big-city woman working in marketing, or advertising, or brand management (this is apparently a bad thing) who has lost sight of her dreams, is thrust in to small-town life where she happens upon a handsome single father and his precocious child. Charmed by both the town and the child, she begins to feel at home, lets down her walls, and rediscovers her childhood dream. In this starry-eyed state, she begins to fall for the single father and he for her. Her oh-so-wrong for her, rich fiancé comes on the scene (they have been separated by winter weather, clerical mix-up, or other forms of hi-jinx) and stirs doubt and maybe conflict between our heroine and single-dad. But all prevails on Christmas eve when the woman and her fiancé decide they are not destined to be together because she loves the small town and wants to pursue origami, or water color painting, or whatever her long-lost aspiration has been. She and single-dad run into each others arms, share a kiss, and precocious child gets a puppy. The end.

These movies are fun to watch, but they are so not about Christmas. Not really. For all the obvious reasons, but also for some not-as-obvious ones as well.

We have an inherit sense of how things are supposed to be—how we so desperately want them to be. Just like in a Hallmark movie, we want everything to be tied up in a nice little bow in the next hour and a half.

No threads left untied, no relationship not brought to rights, no issues outstanding.

But this is not reality.

Advent marks a celebration. Years of anticipation resulting in a savior being born to a world so desperately in need of him. And yet it also marks a deep longing.

We are brought face to face with the knowledge that all is taken care of. Our fate is sealed—we are rescued and renewed. And yet, we are not yet.

This is a season in which we are to be more aware of the already-but-not-yet state of our existence. This place where we live covered in righteousness, and yet still so in need of grace. This place where we watch brokenness pressing in on all sides, knowing that wholeness is there to be had, but not quite yet.

May you find the space to mourn what is not yet and to find joy in what has been freely given already.

Have a blessed Advent season here in the Already but Not Yet.

Bible College Spinster: Wringing This Season Dry

Posted on November 21, 2016November 21, 2016 by Lex De Weese in Lex's World

A few months ago, I discussed the concept of living deliberately. I discovered that there was a fine line between living life to its fullest and just doing for the sake of doing.

In this haze of fatigue and frustration, I found myself longing for not only purpose in how I was spending my time, but some passion. There was a desire to discover and pursue my gifts, and urgency to do what I loved, but to also love what was right in front of me.

A week ago, I sat through a talk on sloth. Yeah. Sloth.

And I always thought sloth was just laziness, but that is so not the essence of that word. It’s closer to an apathy, a despair, a restlessness in the face of what one knows to be true and not acting upon it. Complacency.

I think one of the greatest temptations I think one can fall into in this season of almost-but-not-yet is complacency. I’ve seen it too often when I look at my peers, when I look at myself.

Here’s the thing: God has placed you where you are and has presented the opportunities in front of you that he has with great purpose.

Want to live life deliberately? Take a risk on something right in front of you. Don’t let fear keep you stationary.

As I wrote in my previous post, you can’t do everything. But you also can’t do nothing.

So how do you find that thing? Here are some questions I’ve had to answer in the last six months that have helped me make some important decisions and changes:

What do you love about your life as it is right now? List those things out. Remember, nothing is too small.
Where you you imagine yourself in five years? Think details! Think calling!
- What about where you currently are is pointed in that direction?
- What, in your life currently, do you need to change to move toward this calling?
In what areas in your life have you felt the most joy?
In what areas in your life have you felt the most purpose?

Wrestling through these questions, I had the help of some olders in my life, but also some great books. I recommend taking a look at Restless by Jennie Allen and Present Over Perfect by Shauna Neiquist.
I pray you move forward rather than staying still. I pray God meets you as you search for purpose and fullness in a season we’ve been told for so long is just a waiting game.
There’s no waiting here. There is only you and God and the adventure he’s prepared for you.

The Rule and Currency of Grace

Posted on November 7, 2016November 21, 2016 by Lex De Weese in Lex's World

My post is late this week mostly because I have not been in the head-space to write a post I would be comfortable with by the time it hit your eyes. I’ve been keyed up all day and it only just hit me tonight why. (I’m coming at you live from Monday night.)

See, I collaborate with a few friends on a project that brings me a lot of energy and joy. A situation has recently come up where I have felt one way and a couple of my friends have felt very differently. I’m quite passionate about my stance, but a kind friend pointed out gently that for the sake of the group, this is probably a battle not worth fighting.
It wasn’t until my drive home that I realized how demanding I was of justice rather than mercy for some of the people involved in this project.

And then it all came together.

I’ve been feeling rather anxious for a while. I think you may be feeling some of this as well.

Watching my social media channels spiral farther and farther in to pits of cruel statements, thoughtless insults, guilt-laden tirades, I have been appalled by the behavior of so many friends and leaders. Disgusted is actually the word.

Many in my world I have highly respected have been spouting nasty sentiments across the internet for the sake of “biblical politics” and I am very ashamed of what I’ve witnessed.

And before anyone points fingers, let me set the record straight and say that this is from both sides. And my Christian friends—in general—have been much less forgiving than my friends who are not.

I have felt very disillusioned by the body of Christ as we have approached election day and I know I am part of the problem as much as anyone. For months, I think we’ve been asking where is the kindness and the reason? Where is the compassion and the decisions informed by love. These are all things that have been absent, yes, but it hit me on my drive this evening like lightening. Like God whapping me in the back of the head with a ruler (because that is sometimes what it takes.):

Grace.

Grace was what I wasn’t calculating in with the work I do with my friends.

Grace is what we have been missing this election. The laying down of what I deserve for the sake of blessing my neighbor. The understanding that I may not be right, but God is in control and will make all right in his time no matter if my neighbor agrees with me or not. No matter if my country agrees with me or not. No matter if I trust my president or not.

It is by grace we are ruled. Grace is the currency in which we deal. So why has this been so absent from our discourse?

There are good people in every spot on the political spectrum. Image bearers with strong, passionate, and informed beliefs—beliefs that may be different from yours, but are just as important to them as yours are to you.

My sweet and wise friend sent me words I needed when I confessed how anxious I was feeling in my indecision over tomorrow:

“What needs to happen is repentance and people coming to the conclusion that our nation isn’t the church. You just have to do the best at what God has given you to do.”

Can we repent our lack of grace together? Can we walk into the polls tomorrow knowing that all we can do is vote in a way that demonstrates how we feel our country can best care for our neighbors given the choices before us? Can we respect that others in our body are just trying to do the same, even if it is not the choice we ourselves would make?

We do not have to answer for the decisions made by leaders above our station. They will. God will care for his people no matter what happens. There is no vote a child of God will cast tomorrow that is less “Christian” than any other.

Walk in grace. Show grace to a world that so desperately needs that. That’s what we have been supposed to be doing.

I think tomorrow is as good a chance as any to start.

Dear Church: A Letter from a Twenty-Something Young Professional

Posted on October 24, 2016October 24, 2016 by Lex De Weese in Lex's World

Dear Church,

Thank you for noticing that there was a lack of programming for twenty-somethings in your (little ‘c’) church. Thank you for rising to the challenge and creating a group for post-college adults, or singles, or young professionals, or “emerge,” or whatever you’ve decided to call that thing.

I say that without an ounce of sarcasm.

But here’s where it gets tricky, because do you know what I want? What I’m really hungry for?

It’s not meeting in an abandoned warehouse you rented, or the basement of the coolest club, or some space in your building where you repurposed and installed Edison bulbs and hooked a record player up to the sound system. It’s not throwing the word “authentic” around as many times as grammar will allow in all its various forms. (Seriously, stop it.)

It’s people.

I want the people.

Do you know how easy it is for me to live my life day-in and day-out without anyone knowing how I’m doing? How I’m really doing?

And sometimes I don’t even know how long its been, because I’m so used to it.

I can sit down at some brewery where you host your pub theology event, but discussing what may be wrong in the church in light of politics doesn’t let me know where you’re at in your soul and it sure as hell doesn’t do anything for that ache in my chest to be known and accepted.

Because you want to know what millennials want?

It’s the same thing you want! Love, acceptance, understanding, knowing they are not out alone in the darkness, that there are people there to catch them when it feels like they might spin off in the oblivion.

We just want to know that what feels like the end of the world right now is not.

We want a place at the grown-up table and a stake in the conversation that Jesus started two thousand years ago.

We want you to know that we could care so much if you’d just give us permission to care!

It’s not about how your building looks or how up-to-the-minute your band is. It’s about what it’s always been about! Caring about people.

I’m really bad at this! I’ll be the first to admit it. It takes time and vulnerability and sometimes the people that are available to you aren’t the people you’d like to share your life with. But God put the people in front of us that he did for a reason.

And, maybe, Church, God has placed young adults in front of you for a reason. Not just so you could create an over-grown youth group for them, but so you could ask them how life is going and really listen. And maybe so they could ask you the same question and you could tell them honestly in return.

Because we just want to know that someone cares enough to be honest with us. We just want someone out there to know how we’re doing—how we’re really doing. And to not be afraid to share themselves in that way too.

So again, thank you for creating a space for us in your programming. But can we have a space in your life?

The Spinster Abroad

Posted on October 17, 2016October 16, 2016 by Lex De Weese in Lex's World

So I think it’s about time I gave you an Iceland post…

If you didn’t know, I went to Iceland a month ago. I realized a week before I left that I had not informed some key people in my world that I was even taking this trip—like my grand parents or even my best friend, which felt like a big relating fail and I’m realizing that I didn’t tell you either.

Kirkjufell (Church Mountain) is one of the most photographed sights on the island. This beaut was situated across from our gorgeous little guesthouse.

So I went to Iceland! Sorry I didn’t tell you before.

Never have I been to a place so saturated in beauty. I can wax eloquent forever, but I think I’ll just leave it at the thought that never have I felt so small in a place. Between the heft of cliffs and mountains and the never-ending collection of water falls, my eyes and heart were full and I’m forever grateful for the experience.

The true value of the trip came to me while journaling in the sunroom of one of our guest houses mid-trip. See, Iceland was maybe not the ideal location for little-prissy me. But I wanted wonder and I wanted inspiration and a chance to gain back some imaginative real estate. I’m not an avid hiker—I more like a lovely stroll with maybe a steep hill or two. I’m not a risk taker—at least if I am, I like to really think it all through. But this was so worth it and so valuable.

I was journaling in our little guest house across the bay from Kirkjufell after a rainy day of adventures and I was struck by the thought that I was going to be alright.

I mean, on the trip, yes, but also in life. See, I’ve written a lot about taking advantage of this season of singleness and finding contentment where God has placed you, but behind that has always been a fear.

What if this isn’t just a season? If I’m not content now, will I ever be? Is there something wrong with me?

That evening, journaling prayers, God was able to calm these tightly carried anxieties.

My friend and I planned the entire trip start to finish, just the two of us. We were taking a calculated, but kind of crazy risk being in a remote country alone, but we were here and God was blessing so much of the journey. And we were alright. More than alright—we were having an amazing time.

And it was in that realization that the thought came:

If this was going to be my life, it was going to be an alright one. If God’s plan is for it to be just me, myself, and I, the life He has given will not be bad. It will not be without love and relationship. It will not be without adventure or heartache. It will not be a life without purpose. It may be a quiet, small, and maybe nondescript one, but a fine one none the less.

For the first time—and maybe this is an embarrassing confession since I write about this a lot—I felt at peace with where God has placed me. This life isn’t about finding your person or your dream job or ideal body weight. He has so much more waiting for you. There is a life of depth and hope and beauty waiting to be lived when we’re willing to live in trust of His plan.

So, maybe this isn’t a post about Iceland, but rather about what I got to bring back with me.

Full-Circle: On Breathe and Gratitude

Posted on October 10, 2016October 12, 2016 by Lex De Weese in Lex's World

Once upon a time not that long ago in a land not that far away, a sixteen year old girl walked into a writing conference not knowing a soul except for an author friend who would be speaking.
She and her little memo pad settled into a chair near the back of the room for her first breakout session, heart-hammering wondering why on earth she thought it was a good idea to sign up for this thing.
I mean who was going to take this kid seriously, writing manuscripts in her parents basement because she was bored with what the library had to offer. What did she have to offer? Who cared what she had to say?
But that little girl didn’t know that this was exactly where she needed to be. Because there were people there that weren’t going to accept her as a punk-kid, but as a real-life writer. A real-life, blood-sweat-and-tears writer who had things to say and they wanted to read them.

It was either add to the Instagram story or curl up in the fettle position…

Flashforward seven years later and someone decided it would be a good idea to put that little girl in front of a stage in front of potentially two hundred people and have her talk. And no, she didn’t die (but believe me, the potential was there! I felt it!) and people actually cared what she had to say.

I walk away from this year’s Breathe Conference deeply humbled and deeply grateful. Not only for the small ways God used some of my flippant decisions for his glory, but also for the sweet sweet encouragement from this weekend and the sense that things had come full circle.

If you were to ask me what decision has changed my life the most, I would first say that it was a decision to get on a boat (different story, different time.) But that decision led me to my first Breathe conference and God has used that to open up doors in so many situations in life. It is the reason I chose the school I did, it’s the reason I have the dear dear friends that I do, it is the reason I have had so many great (and not-so-great, but still valuable) professional experiences.

Saturday night, after everyone had cleared out from the conference, I found myself at a table surrounded by all the people who have influenced the woman and writer I have become and I was totally overcome by a deep wave of gratitude for how far God has not only carried Breathe, but has carried me. (And yeah, I ugly cried in front of God and everybody. You totally missed out.)

So what does this have to do with you?

No a lot, but I do have one challenge for you:

Say ‘Yes.’

If God is poking at you to take a step, take it. Even if it scares the crap out of you. Even if you feel you are unworthy, unqualified, or unequipped. Because guess what? You don’t get to decide that. Your creator does.

How different things would look if I had shoved down my desire at sixteen to go to this little writers conference. And how different my weekend would have looked if I had turned down the opportunity to speak. (My mental stability probably would have looked a lot different as well, but that’s neither here nor there…)

God takes our stale bread and smelly fish and makes a meal out of it for people we’ve never even met. He takes my little bit of experience and ability to rant for an hour and uses that to bring maybe a little bit of encouragement. He takes my scared-out-of-its-mind sixteen year old butt and sits it down at a conference in order to connect me to his plan and his people in a way I’ve never experienced before.

All because of timid, doubting yeses.

Celebrate Your Story

Posted on September 12, 2016September 8, 2016 by Lex De Weese in Breathe Conference, Lex's World, Writing Thoughts

I’ve been a writer for eleven years now. (Don’t do the math. It’s embarrassing.) In those eleven years, I have learned many things. Among them:

You should not send your entire manuscript to an award-winning author even if they have befriended your high school self and gave you their email address. That’s not why they gave it to you.
Sometimes those with more experience are wrong about your work. (Most of the time they are probably right, but sometimes their not.)
Read the classics. If you don’t want to do that, it is because you live under a rock where you’ve believed they are boring your entire life. You’re wrong. They are not boring.
Liking boys just because they said they like to read is an okay thing to do. Believing you will one day marry a boy just because he says that is an ill-informed belief.
Sometimes you will like your made-up people better than your real-life people. That’s okay for a couple hours, but don’t make that a permanent state of being.
You should send your first three chapters to the kid in your fiction workshop class who is unexplainably excited about what you’ve written.
You should also ask the girl who sits next to you in that workshop about her opinions on your characters, especially since she’ll still talk to you after reading what you’ve written. They are both good eggs and will be some great cheerleaders.
Don’t get discouraged when older writers get published when they’ve been doing this a shorter time than you. You’re 18 and you’ve got time.
Go to the conference your professor recommends. It’s going to change your whole perspective on the calling you’ve been given.
Don’t let the guy who doesn’t think art is a valid life calling get you down. But also stop dating him. First boyfriends aren’t supposed to be last boyfriends anyway. There are plenty of other mistakes to make once college is over.
Someone’s opinion on Oxford commas is a good litmus test for starting a friendship (namely, if they have one.)
Writing is hard and sometimes the time isn’t there and sometimes the words aren’t there. Don’t freak out. It will not always be hard. You will learn to make the time. The words will return. Breathe in, breathe out. That’s all you’re in control of.

These are just a few of the pitfalls and strange lessons of my writing journey that I’m celebrating. I owe a lot of these lessons to the Breathe Conference and the community I have come to know and love through it.
We celebrate the conference’s tenth anniversary this year and I want to invite you in to that. If you are on a writing journey, let’s celebrate it on October 7 & 8. James Scott Bell will be there as will a whole other host of great writers.
Register today and I’ll see you there!

Loving Ugly and Struggling Pretty

Posted on September 5, 2016September 5, 2016 by Lex De Weese in Lex's World, Spirituality

I’ve noticed recently that I take grace with a grain of salt.

I don’t know when this became the case, but for a while now, I’ve been behaving on the instinct that though I believe in God’s great mercy, I haven’t quite earned it, so I can’t quite rest in it.

Um…miss the point much?

But this has been the understanding I’ve been unconsciously shouldering! And as result of not understanding grace, I have not accepted grace, and not accepting grace, I have become terrible at offering it.

See, I have an unfortunate heart. We all do.

Ugly and scraggly. A little scabby, a little slimy. Small and dying—no life to pump in, no life to pump out.

When I’ve thought about surrendering my whole heart, I’ve always felt guilty about the parts I haven’t wanted to hand over. But those weren’t the only parts God wasn’t getting because somewhere along the line, I made an assumption.

I decided that there were pieces of my heart God didn’t want.

For so long, I have been handing him pieces as I’ve deemed them fixable, while feeling guilty for having parts I think are too far gone. I’ve been frustrated when I am unable to fix my own brokenness or clean my own heart-junk.

I’ve tried to hide it or compensate for it for so long, but I’m tired. And I just long for someone to love my ugly.

But he wants those bits just as badly as I want them to be loved! He wants this shriveled, crusty little heart enough to die for it.

He longs for our ugly, dirty, and broken. There is nothing to redeem in perfect, whole, and shiny. There’s no dependence on him in what I insist on healing myself.

Penny & Sparrow is a folk duo I’ve really come to respect. (Stick with me, it’ll circle back. I promise.) Their music is beautiful and at times surprising. Their lyrics are thoughtful and so damn honest it sometimes hurts.

As I’ve been wrestling in my brokenness over the past few weeks, it has become apparent that God has been trying to get my attention—he has been trying to ask for my ugly heart again and again. A stanza of their song ‘To Haunt, to Startle’ has come to mind during this wrestling, God reminding me of his invitation.

So, choke back smoke and cough up glass…
This whole place is ending; know that it’s not built to last.
When you hear nothing…
And you feel less…
Your struggle is pretty,
Sit still, and know that I know what is best.

The pain in the ugly both within and without are temporary. We are invited into something lasting. We are invited to hand over small, battered hearts in a daily struggle. It is that struggle that God finds pretty. It is in the wrestling he is well pleased. It is in the stillness he begins to bind our wounds.

This is the gospel I’ve had to preach to myself over and over in the past few weeks. It’s the gospel we need to preach to ourselves daily.

So on this Labor Day, as we pause and rest before plunging in again, I want to invite you in to stillness. I want to invite you to remember that your ugly is loved and your struggle is found pretty.